HEEELLLOOOOOO

Well, hello to all. It's ben a long time since I have posted. Just busy and honestly not very focused on being raw right now. I know, SAD but true. Get it!!!! ;) I've been reading Fit for Life, very good book and have Diet for a New America next on my list. I have been giving in to lack of consistency and change in my eating habits. The addiction of food.
Thanks to anonymous (you know who you are) for the recent comment. It was real, and honest and real I am not being, but I don't need you to tell me that. Please reveal yourself openly and stop "HIDING" in the wings or just STOP and let it be. I would really appreciate that. Anyways, thanks for the comments. It did make me have to stop and look at myself again, and you are right. I do try to keep reinventing myself but that isn't always bad. It is when I am trying to be something I am not, but we are ever changing so we can be reinventing ourselves in a good way. I realize from the comment that I just need to look at this and be honest with myself. I know I don't love and accept me-I can admit that. I know God is bigger than all this and will help me and I just need to let Him. BTW, happy or not can change in a moments time. It is how I deceide to be and what I let affect me or not and the choices I make about it. God has blessed my life beyond measure since I have accepted Him into my life. Being fat or not, happy or not, is all in how I ((feel)) about myself and what I chose to see.
To all reading this, I rejected the comment. It came anonymous (which I truly dislike!!!!). I KNOW who it was from by the wording, but really, why do people want to read and comment on your blog and be too afraid to comment with their name. Who are they "really" hiding from?
May God bless you ALL this New Year. May He fill you with peace and love and prosper you above and beyond all you can imagine. And if you have feelings like I do about yourself, comment to me and we can pray for each other. The power of prayer is an awesome thing and I am very open right now for anyone who wants to pray together.

Home, building relationships, loving myself more

It has been quite a while since I last posted-2 weeks. Several things have been happening. My husband and I bought a home-out 1st ever-and we are SOOOO excited!!!!!

The home is soooo cute. A friend of mine at church told me about a month ago to write down on paper everything we are asking God for in a home. So we did and prayed on it and God provided everything!!!!! Of course, this is God's wonderous power and love for us and definately not anything above and beyond His capabilities. He is such a good God!!! Kevin has a studio to continue teaching (he is a professional guitar player and teaches) and I will have a room to set up for doing massage and my M-I-L has here space upstairs while we have our living down in a full finished walk out basement. Everybody wins!!!

Speaking of my M-I-L, we have been bonding the last two weeks. God has show me the importance of breaking down my walls of selfishness with her and looking past the things that "bother" me and see the good in her. I have found out she is funny and kind and needs friendship too. She is a new and different woman in my eyes and I am learning the importance to stop each day and spend some time with her, no matter how busy my day is!!

I have been working on my "journey" to raw still. This month has been dedicated to vegan eating. Although, I will admit I have not had 100% committment to this, so I challange myself as of this day-where is my loyalty to changing my eating habits?

Goals: 1. Start out realistic and transition. 2. Add more raw to my daily eating. 3. Eat vegan this month (this really is NOT a hard goal.)

Here is a bit that really spoke to me, it is from Jingee from TheGardenDiet.com and she wrote: "What we believe is very important. I can be eating the healthiest diet in the world, but if I still worry that I'm eating poorly, it won't do me as much good. Or I can be eaing what I believe is the best diet, and even if it isn't, it will do me good, and it will lead me to a better way of life. The thing is to do what we really believe in. The other thing is to not focus only on diet. The focus is on good health, or on being a balanced person. Then everything falls in place!"

Thanks Jingee! Really made me think about my relationship with food and health.

I have also redone my "top 10 goals" and as I was doing them I learned to be both realistic and not too stringent with my goals. (for example, with exercise I decided to just set a goal of exercise "regularly", instead of do this "X" times a week and that "X" times a week because that type of goal sets me up to fail, I just need to more more and when I mix it up and do what I "enjoy" I will keep at it!!)

Top 10 "Cindy" goals:

1. Read Bible and pray daily. (increase my relationship with God)*

2. Hubby time-one date night per week.

3. Cindy time-massage every other week or some type of "pampering"

4. Increase personal self-esteem*

5.. More family time (prosper in family relationships)*

a. Sunday is family day (me, Kevin and m-i-l)

b. Call "my" family once a week and touch base.

6. Exercise regularly

7. Go RAW

a. Weight down to 130 lbs.

b. Body Fat down to 15-20%.

8. Read, study, listen to CD : something every night to increase my knowledge, interests, and passions.

9. Learn to play bass

10. Set up business

Well there they are. I feel they are good!!! Much peace and love until next time!!!!!!!!

NEW BEGINNINGS

Well, it has been quite some time since I have posted and I have been working on some "Cindy issues" :) during this time. If you follow my past posts I just went back to eating-full on!!!!-and have gained back 16 of the 17 lbs that I lost.

Well, I want to feel bad but what's the use. I mean, what is REALLY important in life? Is it food, weight or God, family, friends? I would say the latter.

If I want to change my body then I need a healthy plan and trust and reliance on God and family and friends. Juice Feasting IS healthy, I believe, but I did not follow the protocol for it. And, I was not READY for the committment to it.

My goal is to work to eventually being RAW. This month I will be vegan. I will transition into it. There are so many great receipes and support out there to do this-RAW and Vegan.

Anyways, I am working into a healthy eating and exercise plan. I have to remind myself that I and this body are not 25 years old anymore and won't react in the same way to food and exercise. I am trying to find out what is best for me and not be "obsessive" about it. I am looking to God for help and have picked 3 very special women to me that I am going to ask to be my "prayer Circle" of support.

I chose today 11-1-07 as a new day for a new beginning. Tomorrow is my 2 year anniversary to my most amazing husband!!!!!!!!!!!

I plan to still "redo" my top 10 goals (currently in process), follow Karen Knowler's (The Raw Food Coach) protocol steps to "Why doI want to go raw?" Plan a exercise program that "grows" with me and I can committ to not something that starts out with unrealistic goals. Also I read that to do hard cardio and not have good form and weights too, then it does more harm that good.

Well, that is where I am at. A new beginning........................ :)

Pondering change

Today is a day of pondering change and getting things back into perspective. I haven't been blogging much, as you can see, and I think that is to pull myself away from accountability. I have felt quite changed yet uncomfortable. After juice feasting for 14 days, and then continuing to incorporate juice into my (most) daily intake I have seen some good changes: Loss of weight (17 lbs), better hair and skin, better attitude, more happiness, better comcentration. Good things!!! But, what I see I failed to do was get my relationship with "me" in order!! I went back to food and incorporated a lot of raw but also added in a lot of "junk" and processed foods just because I "craved" them and used no self-control. I saw weight gain (5 lbs), skin breakouts, dryer skin and hair, etc...

Well, all that to say this.....I see the change has to come from within and I need to love me for me and who I am on the inside NOT the outside. I feel it is important to bw healthy and eat well and I still want to eat RAW, but there is more to being thin and healthy than just being thin and healthy. It must come from within too.

I am updating my top 10 goals that I set for myself 3 months ago. I am starting a book called "Victory over the darkness" to work on me. My Pastor's wife gave it to me and I really believe it will do a lot to help me see the opression I am allowing over me in this area and free me from this bondage. I am also going to go to prayer and healing school at church which is held once a week. I need support and teaching and need to quit hiding "in the dark" and trying to do it "my way".

I feel bored with doc'ing what I eat/drink but I feel inside I need to do it so I will. I think I will just keep i my own personal journal and then post "things/eating" that seems necessary. :)

I send Much peace and love to all of you who follow this and read this, I appreciate your prayers and support and comments. :)

The desire for freedom

Why am I so obsessed? Why do I just give in and quit? How to I break this? I have broke addictions in the past. I CAN do this. Maybe, the truth is, I am not wanting to do this. Let me ponder this some........yes, I am struggling. Any words of inspiraton out there? Thanks!!!!!

Salads

SALADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started a parasite cleanse called Parastroy. I'm gettng tired of sharing what I eat though, only because I don't see it as inspirational and I "want" to be. Well, I started this to be "honest and get real". That's what not sharing is avoiding-admitting my not good choices.

3 c coffee w/ creamer

32 oz water

grapes

peanut butter

chips and salsa

salad w/ salsa

more PB

ice cream-ab 2 T

orange herbal tea w/ honey

32 oz water

Fruits

Fruits, Fruits, Fruits

I am excited about adventuring out and working woth lots of new, yummy raw food receipes. I am also excited about keeping my new, trim figure and working on it to be more fit and tones through raw foods and excercise.

One thing I need to get addressed is my food addiction. As you can see from my eating today, I start out on the feast breaking goal, and then I give in with no faith or trust to change. Today is supposed to be juice, prunes and juicy fruits.

Eats today:

2 c coffee w/ creamer

2-2'x3' pieces of coffee cake (at work meeting)

6 oz prunes

1 peppermint patty

32 oz water

1 1/3 c grapefruit juice

organic red grapes

^^^^^^^

cheese and mayo sandwich

3 lg spoonfuls of PB&J

piece of coffee cake

4 cookies

potato chips

corn muffin w/ butter

1 slice pizza

5 jalapeno poppers

^^^^^^^^^^^^

26 oz water

OK, the more I just avert from faith and from having victory and not doing and following a meal plan the longer this will go on. What do I and don't I want?

1. I don't want to be fat.

2. I don't want to be obsessed that my looks make who I am.

3. I want to trust that it is what is on the INSIDE.

4. I want to trust God.

5. I want to have faith.

6. I want to work on Victory Over the Darkness.

7. I want to set new/revised goals and work on them.

8. I want to be free from my addiction with food.